felldenlogs | But don't weep for me // Closed

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But don't weep for me // Closed

WHO: the Iron Bull

aban_aqun and Dorian Pavus

bestdressed
WHAT: Someone manages to tail the Iron Bull. He doesn't like it.
WHERE: the beach outside Kyst
WHEN: some time after quests are assigned
WARNINGS: Paranoia, possible PTSD references. Will update as needed.

Bull found the note days ago. It'd been in his pocket after he left Dorian, which means someone had to have followed him and gotten close enough to slip it in his pocket without him noticing. Or worse, they'd put it there while the pants were discarded somewhere. Bull tells himself he would have noticed if someone had crept into the room but-- at some point they'd been sleeping.

He's been hyper-vigilant since then: watching, listening, observing. Looking for shadows that move, people that linger too long or look out of place. How had they done it? Bull was Ben-Hassrath for more than twenty years, he survived Seheron by virtue of the fact that he couldn't be surprised or taken off-guard.

But someone here had managed it. Not only had they managed it, but it's likely that they knew about him and Dorian. That's what sent cold dread sinking through him. He debated whether or not to tell the mage from the moment he found the note. Not telling him could keep him safe. It could also put him at risk. There is no right answer, no way to minimize damage, no way to mitigate risk.

So the next time they plan to meet, Bull changes their meeting place at the last minute: the beach outside of Kyst rather than in the city itself. He's made sure that Dorian wouldn't suspect anything at least until now. But he needs to tell him. Dorian can't defend himself if he doesn't know.

Bull stares at the sea and for a moment he's far away, decades ago. He can hear the sounds. He can smell Seheron.

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They've been speaking daily, as they do whenever they can't meet, and Bull has seemed in a perfectly fine mood. He jokes, flirts, and asks Dorian about his day the same as always; Dorian shares the request he'd received from the Dean at the University about finding his rare magical tome. Everything seems perfectly normal--or what passes for normal here in Fellden. Yet that, to Dorian, is what seems off to him. Bull isn't normally one to share his problems or frustrations without prompting, but this week he's seemed to have no issues at all, even when Dorian prodded. That things are so good is unsettling.

It's also a little unusual for Bull to change their meeting place so close to the appointed time, and with consideration of his reticence this week, Dorian can't help but begin to worry. Something is off, if only slightly, and he needs to figure out what it is.

The sight of Bull there on the beach fills him with relief. It always does, especially lately. He's staring off into the ocean, which he has a habit of doing at times--something Dorian quietly suspects is about his memories of Seheron. Much is, with the Bull. He may have left that island, but it certainly hasn't left him.

"If you mean to watch the sunset together, amatus, we've a few hours to waste yet." He smiles as he approaches, reaching for Bull's left hand with both of his.

Bull doesn't really pull out of his memories until he feels Dorian's hands wrap around one of his own. He smiles, at least, when he turns his head to look at the mage. It doesn't quite reach his eye, but it's there. "We do,"he says quietly.

He brushes his thumb over one of Dorian's hands and looks away from him. He hadn't been watching Dorian approach - had he been followed? Bull doesn't see any other footprints - part of the reason he'd chosen the beach - and there are relatively few places to hide that Bull could not see.

But that might not mean anything. It doesn't give him comfort.

The weight of the information he wants to share sits heavily in his chest. He doesn't know enough about this place or the people involved to be able to extrapolate which route is best. It's been a long time since he felt this-- exposed.

The smile has faded and Bull is still looking down at where their hands meet, thinking.

Even as a greeting, Bull barely speaks. He looks away behind Dorian, then back at the ocean. He's quiet, contemplative, forlorn. Dorian steps closer, raises one hand to Bull's arm as he moves to stand in front of him, putting himself directly in the Bull's line of sight.

"There is something," Dorian murmurs, a confirmation for himself. He tries not to feel hurt, but doesn't quite succeed. They'd agreed that they would communicate, hadn't they? That they wouldn't hide things from one another? Still, he's certain that Bull must have his reasons.

"You can tell me, Bull."

"I think someone knows," he says quietly. He forces himself to look at Dorian as he moves to get into his line of sight. "And I-- I couldn't decide if you were safer knowing or not knowing. But you can't look for what you don't know is there."

It sits heavily on him and that much is clear in his voice, in the way he's looking at Dorian now.

"They slipped a note into a pocket last time we saw each other... and I have no idea when they did it." No doubt Dorian will understand some of those possibilities would be worse than others.

Ice creeps down Dorian's spine as his stomach drops. His face falls, concern to dismay. Precisely what they've been trying to avoid. Unbidden, he begins spiraling into every worst-case scenario, as he's certain the Bull has been all week. It's upsetting to think of him dealing with this knowledge on his own, pretending at being perfectly fine.

"What did the note say?" He asks, determined to stop himself from jumping to conclusions. Best to be pragmatic about it. "And who exactly are they?"

"It gave me a task to complete. And I don't know. I have no idea who left it or what side they're associated with, if any."

Bull has been searching for information since then but has found little so far that is useful. That doesn't particularly surprise him, but it is frustrating. He can hear the worry in Dorian's voice, he can see it on his face, and all he wants to do is reassure him. But he can't.

"It's possible they know nothing. It could have been slipped into a pocket on my way to see you or on my way back, but... they could be following me. If they are, then they know I'm meeting someone."

That Dorian might be in any kind of danger frustrates him beyond reason. What would you do to save those you love? All he can imagine is that Dorian might be used as leverage against him, should it come down to it.

"What sort of task?" is the next question, naturally. Dorian is cautious as he asks, confusion and concern and a growing sense of dread make him feel slightly ill, despite his attempts to rationalize.

He reaches for Bull's arm, both to steady himself and as a solid point of contact between them. He sees what Bull is getting at. If someone has been following them, then that someone has to be good enough at what they do to avoid the Bull's notice, which is no easy feat. It's mildly horrifying. When had they been able to get close enough to deposit the note? Had they been together then? Had they been asleep?

"We should assume that it's...that someone knows." Whether it's Bull's faction, his own, or another entirely.

"They want information." Bull leaves it at that for now. He hand slides over Dorian's where it grips his arm. He knows that Dorian grasps the severity of the situation, and what it means for someone like Bull to be taken by surprise. He sighs quietly and gathers the mage close, wrapping around him and looming over him like he could protect him.

"We should," he agrees quietly. Assuming the worst is stressful but it's also the best course. They can't trust that their secret isn't known.

"I'll find us somewhere else to meet... do the sending crystals work?"

Bull is clearly reluctant to tell him the actual details of what he'd been asked to do, and that stings. But he puts that aside for the moment, lets it simmer--to be addressed later--in favor of allowing himself to lean against Bull as he takes him into his arms.

Whatever Bull is keeping from him, and however much that hurts him, his love far outweighs it. He feels safe in Bull's arms, but also like he is helping to support Bull in turn. He doesn't have to bear this alone. Dorian's arms encircle Bull's waist, not quite long enough to meet behind his back.

"They've become active recently. You'd prefer to use those, I take it? For privacy?"

It's a good idea. The devices they've been given could easily be meant to record conversations for those in charge on either side. Best not to have any possible evidence.

"Yes. You have control over them, not either of the factions." Bull trusts that more. He tips his head down and rests his brow against Dorian's and he lets his eye close. He thought he could be done with things like this. He left the Ben-Hassrath, the Qunari, and he'd started to carve out a life that felt like his own.

But here he is, in a role he has not chosen but that has been given to him because someone knows what he is capable of. Hissrad. Bull's hand smooths over Dorian's back, offering what comfort he can.

"I need you to be safe," he murmurs, voice nearly lost between them.

Dorian reaches for him as Bull leans down, fingers lacing together behind his neck. They're alone on the beach, so far as he can tell, so he doesn't hesitate to lean up and seek a short, affirming kiss.

"I need the same, you know." He looks up into Bull's eye, concern and hurt suffusing his expression. Apparently they are going to discuss this now. "Do you think that you're keeping me safe by not telling me what's being asked of you? You're only making me worry." His voice is quiet, but intense with with the wealth of emotion building in his chest, making it tight. "I thought we'd agreed to talk about these things."

Bull nods and he gives Dorian another kiss after that gentle but uncompromising admonishment. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. "It's-- an old habit."

Bull so rarely gave people everything, even allies. He's given Dorian more than he's given anyone. He sighs and just stands there for a moment, breathing him in. He tries to make peace with this.

"I've been told to investigate someone in Moon territory and report whatever I find." It won't involve him crossing the border, but if he does this and succeeds, he knows the next mission might. And there will be a next one if he does well, if he proves himself an asset.

"And you're going to do it?" Dorian assumes, frowning. "Even without knowing who's asking it of you?" Bull clearly isn't giving him the full scope of the assignment even now, but Dorian can work with this, even if he isn't entirely satisfied. "You're hoping to learn more about them, aren't you? By doing as they ask?" He guesses.

It frightens him more than a little. He knows how capable Bull is, especially in this field, one he's been trained, tried, and tested in for decades now. But Fellden is still largely unknown to them, and the agent they'd sent to convey the message to Bull in the first place had to have been very good. Separated as they already are, Dorian hates the idea of Bull being in danger without him. They stand close now, arms around one another, and Dorian is sorely tempted to stay that way, even with how exposed he feels now that he knows they've been watched.

Finally, he sighs. "I know that you will, but I have to say it anyway. Just...be careful, Bull."

Bull nods his head. He needs to do it if he wants to find out anything more - that's how it works, and he's unwilling to be kept in the dark. Fellden is unknown but this is what he does. It's who he is. And if getting involved will keep Dorian safe, Bull is inclined to do it.

What would you do for those you love?

"I will," he promises Dorian. A small smile tugs his scarred mouth. "I do have a little experience, after all." Decades, now, even in places where he doesn't fit in, where he's obvious and noticeable and memorable.

"I might not be able to keep in touch once I start."

Dorian frowns, but doesn't dispute Bull's point. He knows that Bull is good at what he does--at what he used to do. It doesn't mean that he has no reason for concern, however.

And he doesn't need to say that he absolutely hates the idea of being out of contact for it to be obvious. His expression sours, eyes narrowing and lips pursing. "For how long?" He has to ask, has to have at least some idea of a basic timeframe. He'll worry himself over it either way, but at least he'll have some idea of when Bull should return, or when he should begin looking for him if he doesn't do so in a timely manner.

"I can't predict that, Dorian. I won't know what I'm getting into until I get there."

Bull knows it isn't the answer Dorian will want, but it's the one that's true. He'll need time to figure out how to approach the whole mission, then he'll need to work his way into the keep. Unless he forces his way in, all of that takes time. He just can't guess how much. He catches the sour look on Dorian's face and he leans down to kiss him.

"I'll get in touch as soon as it's safe to do so."

"I understand," Dorian bites out, and absolutely loathes it. He does realize to some extent why they shouldn't speak while Bull is completing this task, though he's deeply dissatisfied with not knowing more details. Why can't Bull tell him more about it? It isn't as though he's going to share such sensitive information with anyone else.

He tries to tell himself that it isn't because Bull doesn't trust him, but because Bull doesn't want to involve him in such a potentially dangerous matter. Yet in some ways, that almost feels like the same thing.

"I take that we won't be spending the night together, then," he says, quietly resigned.

Bull doesn't want to deny Dorian anything. He doesn't want to deny either of them this chance to be together, but his expression mirrors the resignation in Dorian's voice. It isn't safe.

"I don't know how long they've been following me... us. Kyst isn't safe."

And if they managed to slip the note into his pocket while he and Dorian were together, Bull doesn't want to risk a more violent message. He leans down to gently touch his forehead to Dorian's.

"I'm sorry, kadan."

He should be better than this. He should have caught this when it happened, before it happened.

"Don't be," Dorian sighs, and lets himself rest more fully against Bull, curling into his form. Their brows touch, and with a slight tilt of his chin, Dorian's lips press to Bull's for a brief, absolving kiss. "It isn't your fault."

He knows well that Bull wants to spend time together as much as he does. This is painful and frustrating for both of them. His hands rest against Bull's broad chest, feeling it rise and fall, the warmth of his skin. Maker, he misses this--just this.

"I miss you," he admits aloud, still somewhat surprised by how easy he finds it. It's been a long time since he's worried about not being missed in return.

"I miss you," he murmurs. Bull squeezes his arms around Dorian and nuzzles against his hair like he's trying to cover himself in the mage's familiar scent. He doesn't like this. He doesn't like the places his mind drifts to as he considers what he must do.

And he doesn't like that Dorian has his own mission to face alone. It isn't even that he doubts Dorian's abilities, but this place is still relatively unknown to both of them.

"Let's stay and watch the sun set, at least."

"At the very least," Dorian agrees, and promptly stands on tip-toe to bury his face between Bull's neck and shoulder, where he won't see much of anything, let alone the sunset. But this is far more important.

He does drag himself away eventually, and arrange himself more properly against Bull's side to watch the sun sink over the waves. He hates that even with an arm around his waist, he feels far away already.

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But don't weep for me // Closed

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